When Things Get Tough

Life.

Sometimes it is glorious and sunshiney and full of beauty and happiness.

And sometimes? Sometimes it is messy, crappy, and full of worry and failure.

Right now I am definitely feeling more of the latter. I am so worried, stressed, and anxious at the moment.

Maddie was born 9 lbs, 1 oz. She dropped to 8 lbs 3 oz by the time we left the hospital 2 days later (which is normal) but was back up to 12 lbs 11 oz (90th percentile) at her 2 month checkup. From then on, we have been seeing a huge decrease in weight gain for her. By 4 months she had only gained 9 oz and had dropped to the 40th percentile for weight. The doctor wasn't too concerned, as around 4 months most babies fall into what will be their regular growth curve from then on. We assessed my milk supply, as I breastfeed, and determined that it was sufficient for Maddie. We checked diaper counts, pumping amounts, and her developmental milestones. All looked good.

By 5 months, she had only gained another 6 oz. Normal breastfed babies gain .5-1 oz per day, so she was clearly behind in weight gain. We decided to up her feedings, both milk and solids, and come back for a check.

At her 6 month appointment a few weeks ago, she had lost 2 oz, putting her in the 10th percentile for weight now (13 lbs 8 oz). She is clearly dropping significantly. Even her height and head circumference growth have slowed down considerably (height has gone from off the charts to 52nd percentile. Head circumference has gone from 85th percentile to the 16th percentile).

We have been officially diagnosed as failure to thrive, meaning that Maddie is not growing as she should.

I cannot explain to you the feelings that come along with this diagnosis, especially as she is an exclusively breastfed baby (with solids). I am doubting everything about my ability to care for and feed my child. We are trying to supplement, but she is currently refusing bottles, as well as cups or baby oatmeal mixed with formula. This girl has serious opinions about food and what she likes. Surprise, surprise. :)

We still think that the problem is not my supply, as she has the required 6-8 diapers per day, seems satisfied after most feedings, and I can pump a normal amount. She is also right on track with her cognitive and motor development. Even still, we are trying to supplement and see if that makes a difference. I have no problem feeding her formula, but she just. won't. take it. It is so stressful. I am also trying a few different things to increase my milk supply. This way we can definitely rule out "not getting enough calories" as the reason for her not growing.

We have started the process of testing to see if there is something in her body that is causing her to either not absorb the calories, or to burn more calories than she is taking in. It is heartbreaking to watch your little baby screaming bloody murder as the nurse tries to take blood from the teeny tiny veins in her arm. To think that there could be something wrong with my perfect baby. Some of the possible diagnoses are terrifying to me.  I can only hope that the fix is something as simple as a formula bottle each day or an iron supplement if she is anemic. I am literally driving myself crazy with all the thoughts of "what if." But I can't seem to stop my brain from thinking worst case scenario.

This week, at her follow up, she had only gained 2 oz in the past 2 weeks. Still not enough. Her blood work came back perfectly normal, which is good, but still means that we don't know what is going on in her little body. We have made appointments with the pediatric GI and the lab at Phoenix Children's, but they can't get us in until late May/early June. I feel so helpless. I don't know what to do for my little girl! And it makes me even more worried that we can't get her in to the doc for nearly two months. We will continue to do weight checks with our regular pediatrician, to make sure she is doing okay, but at this point it is a waiting game.

After this appointment, we have narrowed down the basic reasons to "not absorbing enough calories" or "burning too many calories." She is eating plenty of calories. We may need to schedule an appointment with a pediatric cardiologist as well. I feel like a failure. I know it is nothing that I did, and I know that she will probably be fine, but I just can't help it. I look at my skinny-minnie baby and wonder what I did that is causing her not to grow. I don't care if she's skinny, she just needs to be growing!!

I know I am not the only one to face this, very general, diagnosis with their baby. However, it is so much harder than I would have thought. I can't keep the negative thoughts away. I hold her tighter as each day passes without any answers. I hope she knows how much I love her, and that I am doing everything in my power to help her.

Easter 2014

Our Easter festivities this year were sort of spread out over the week preceding Easter. The Sunday before, we dressed up in our "fancy" Easter clothes, as Easter Sunday fell during conference weekend this year.

A little note about Maddie's Easter dress - I saw it and fell in love at first sight. The brand is Laura Ashley, and my mom used to buy our Easter dresses from that brand, so it's kind of special to me. Plus, James' mom bought it for her, so it is a gift from both her grandmothers, in a way. :)

We dyed Easter eggs the day before Easter. Maddie was kind of fussy and ready for bed, so we figured that we would do a picture or two and then put her to bed. Nope, as soon as she saw what we were doing she was enthralled! She loved watching and "helping" Dad to dye the eggs. She is so funny about what interests her! She stayed up and ended up going to bed late, but that's okay. No harm done. :) We chose a "marbled" egg dye kit, with mixed results. I think they turned out okay but next time I want to try a different one.

Easter morning, we didn't celebrate too much. Maddie got her Easter basket and we hid a few eggs for her to "find" with Dad. She had no clue what was going on, haha, but she immediately became addicted to the Gerber puffs the Easter bunny brought her! She loves those things. She is also a sippy cup pro now! Since she won't take a bottle, this is fabulous news. The Easter bunny also brought her a new swimsuit! He always brought my sisters and me swimsuits, and he is continuing the tradition with Maddie, seeing as how it is almost swimming weather here already.

What IS this thing??

Okay, I like him. We're friends now.

Maddie: 6 Months

My dear Madelynn,

6 whole months! Happy half birthday! There is something about the 6 month mark, like the 3 month mark. In the last week, you have suddenly become a big girl! You are doing so many new things and you are growing and changing so quickly. This 6 month milestone is huge for us - I want to cry thinking about how quickly you are growing, but I am so excited about where you are now! You truly are the light of my life.

-You are officially a sitter! You can only sit unsupported for about a minute, maybe 2. Tonight you sat for 5 for the first time! You love to sit up, but you are scared of falling. Anytime you lean a little to one side or the other, you freak out. You are definitely cautious.

-You wear 6 month clothes, 9 month jammies, and size 2 diapers. You weigh 13 lbs, 8 oz and are 26 inches tall.

-We started some finger foods this month, since you are iffy on the purees. You like jars, but you much prefer "big girl" food, like graham crackers, Mum Mums, puffs, peas, green beans, potatoes, mangos, etc. Actually, you have yet to refuse any kind of finger food. You will eat it ALL. You aren't very good at getting the food in your mouth, and you like me to do it for you because it takes so much work for you to do it yourself, and you are NOT patient when it comes to food. Food must come quickly or you shriek like crazy! Even when nursing, you are not patient enough to wait for letdown. You pop on and off forever until you can finally trigger it - I keep telling you that if you would just stay latched on, you and I would both be happier! - but you don't believe me, apparently.

-You wake up at about 7:30 most mornings, and go to bed about 8-8:30. You take 3 naps, but they aren't always at the same time. One nap is usually 2-3 hours and the other two are more like 45-60 minutes. You nurse every 3 hours and you eat dinner at about 6-6:30. I am just starting to give you breakfast as well, but you usually eat solids just once per day.

-Your eyes STILL haven't decided on a color. I don't know why this bothers me, it just does! They are a beautiful mix of gray, blue, green, and gold. They are gorgeous, I just want to know what color they are going to be! :)

-You don't have any interest in rolling or crawling. In fact, you act like tummy time is the worst thing I could do to you, even though I know you can roll over. Lately you just scream bloody murder until I can't take it anymore and help you out. We need to work on this, but I'm confident that you will crawl when you are ready. I am also not in any rush - I like my immobile baby! You turn and pivot while on your belly and your back though, and you push with your toes as well. Even in your crib, you are moving around a lot in your sleep.

-You are very talkative during the day - you have very long-winded, one-sided conversations where I can't get a word in edgewise! The funny thing though, is that you are only very chatty when Dad and I are around. Around other people, you talk a little, but you clam up. I think you are going to end up being like me - shy at first, then an open book once you get to know someone.

-This month, we left you with a babysitter for the very first time so that we could go see a movie. You did great! You were a dream baby. Good job, girl, cause Mama needs a break sometimes! :)

-Your nicknames are munchkin, peanut, and princess. Also Mad or Mads.

-Sleep. The sleep saga continues with you. You are the perfect, good, dream baby until it comes to nighttime sleep. I am up 4-5+ times per night with you. At least. We have tried sleep training, but it just wasn't working for us. For some reason, sleeping at night is tough for you. I know that sleeping through the night is a developmental milestone, and that you will when you are ready, but some nights I just wish YOU WOULD SLEEP. At most we get 2 hours uninterrupted. Sweetheart, I love you, but we need to figure this out together.

-You have become very opinionated! You know what you want, and nothing else will do. It's become quite entertaining, actually! You have strong opinions about a lot of things, such as food. Accessories. Toys.

-I finally got a good belly laugh from you this month! We were playing a tickle game, late at night right before bed, and you were so slap happy because you were so tired. You laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I laughed and laughed, and we both got the hiccups. I loved every second of it!

-I love you more than life itself. You are so much fun to watch! I love watching you grow, change, and develop. You are a very smart girl and I couldn't have asked for a better baby!

Love,
Mommy

St. George

Waaaaay back, at the end of January, we took a trip to St. George with some of our best friends. I am FINALLY finishing up those pics now...oops! St. George is about half way between our homes, so it was a great place to meet up for a long weekend. I miss Nick & Carly and their kids so much! We haven't lived close in a few years, but I still wish that we did!! James has known them for years, and I have known them as long as I've known him. Emmy and I are best buds, also. :)

We had the best time on this trip! The first day, we visited Brigham Young's winter home that they have turned into a museum. We are so Mormon, haha. Let's go visit a former prophet's house while on vacation! It was really neat though. I love seeing all the historical things. They had a lot of original furniture and stuff there. Also, people used to be really short. I don't think I would have even been able to sleep in that bed. I didn't get any pictures inside the house, but I got a few of all of us hanging out in the yard afterwards! We had to stop and feed the babies, and Em got to pick pecans and crack 'em, which was also really neat.

Two kids looks good on him, amiright?? ;)

We're buds.

Looking back at these, Maddie looks so tiny! Except her cheeks. They were huge.

We also walked around the temple grounds. You almost can't look directly at the temple in the sunlight because it is so brightly white. It's beautiful against the red rock though!

On Sunday, we went to Zion's National Park, on a little hike through one of the canyons. I had never been to Zion's, and it was beautiful! Even in winter, with no leaves on the trees. I kept telling James that I would love to see it in the fall, when all the trees change color, to see all those pretty fall colors with the red mountain backdrop. I bet it's GORGEOUS. Zion's was fun! It was a little chilly, so we tried to bundle the babies up as best we could. My first major mom fail here - I forgot Maddie's jacket and warm blanket at the hotel (facepalm) so we zipped her up in James' hoodie and borrowed P's sun hat to hopefully keep her head warm. It worked though! She stayed toasty and even took a little nap.

On the way home, we drive through Las Vegas, and on the outskirts is a little lookout that overlooks a beautiful valley. I made James stop so we could look and take pictures! It was beautiful and Maddie definitely enjoyed getting out of the car for a bit.