Mothers. What a wonderful thing the Lord did when he created mothers. Especially my own mother. (and of course my fabulous mother in law!) I never knew how much I needed my mother until I lost her. Before, I knew she was always there for me, but I didn't call on her as much as I should have.
Now, I find multiple reasons in a day that I want to call her up, talk to her, and ask her questions. Hug her. Clean the craft room with her. See her reaction to my newest ultrasound pictures. Go shopping with her. Work on book catalogs with her. Sit next to her in Relief Society. I want to do all of these things with her.
My mother was (is!) an amazing woman. She was kind, smart, funny, creative, and always willing to help everyone. She taught me everything I know. I am who I am today because of her.
She always used to tell me stories of when I was little. I loved hearing those, but I love remembering them even more now. I like to think that I will do some of the same things with my baby girl. She liked to tell me how I learned my love of reading from her. She told me how she read books to me from the day I was born - even though other people thought she was crazy for reading to a newborn. Now, I read anything I can get my hands on - and I have a deep, deep love of Dr. Seuss books...just like her. She loved to tell me how I constantly asked her questions, on everything under the sun, and she would try to answer but didn't know how to half the time! When she told these stories to me, she always did it with a smile and a faraway look in her eyes. I know my mom wasn't perfect, but she had so much patience with me. I think she enjoyed those times with me. I'm sure I did, though I don't remember them.
One of my earliest school memories is of first grade (I know, I know...but I don't remember much about kindergarten). We lived at Travis AFB, and I took the bus home from school. I remember that I had had a hard day, and it was raining as I got home. I was cold, wet, and crabby. I opened the door and Mom had made me an afterschool snack - hot chocolate and cinnamon toast, the special way she used to make it for us. It's such a simple memory, but it shows to me how well she knew me and what I needed.
My mom was so good with us. I believe that children were her calling - she was a wonderful teacher, mother, and friend to not just us, but to all our friends too! She had a natural ability to sense other people's needs, and to just listen. She used to joke that she had a stamp on her forehead that said "tell me everything" but it was her sweet personality that drew people to her, and she loved it. She was so very patient with me and my sisters, letting us help paint her craft projects, teaching us how to clean, painstakingly decorating birthday cakes for us (my favorite were Barbie cakes!!), and showing us so much love. We never doubted for one second how much Mom loved us. She dealt with HUGE Barbie "set ups" in the playroom for weeks, forced us outside when all we wanted to do was read, let tons of kids into her house to play, and always had a witty comeback for everything! She even brought us home a puppy one day - though she swore she never would. :)
As this Mother's Day approaches, my feelings for the day are conflicted. I miss my mother more than I can express. And, as I celebrate this little girl whom I carry, I am reminded of that even more. She is a special little girl, because my mom got to go up and send her down to me. I intend to tell her lots of stories about her wonderful Grandma Nichols, in the hopes that she can learn to love her and keep her memory alive. I intend to tell her how very special it is that Grandma got to hug her first, and got to know who she was before she was even in my belly. I want to keep my mother's memory alive for my children. I want them to love her and feel as if they know her.
Mother's Day has been a day of grief for me the past few years, as I grieved for my lost babies. This year, it is a day of grief and celebration, as I mourn the loss of my mother and as I get excited to be a mother myself. They say you never know how much your mother loved you until you become a mother. I am so very excited to finally have that opportunity, and I know I owe all the credit to Mom. :) If I am even half as good a mother as she was, I will have more than succeeded. So, this year, I will allow myself to feel happy, sad, nostalgic, and anything else that comes my way (thank you, pregnancy hormones!!).
I love you, Mom. I can't wait until the day that we meet again.
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